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In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land
appear and....
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run dry_land
#God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the
waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were
0 errors.
#God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle
#Done
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the
fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth
upon the earth.
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn
#Done
%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy woman from man
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#Done
%Activate evil
#God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF
MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones
can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU
MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
Subject: A True Story on Lying
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U. of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVaA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
Here is the Engineering one, here we go!:
| Term or phrase | Interpretation |
| A "short" assignment | All-nighter |
| High curve | An average score of 45% |
| Extra credit | Patting yourself on the back |
| About four years | "How long have you been a senior?" |
| "The good old days" | Before vector calculus |
| A wild weekend | playing "Doom" between Lab write-ups |
| Unstable equilibrium | No more coffee |
| Being social | Group study |
| Take-home tests | Group study |
| Conservation of energy | Skipping a lecture |
| "I aced that exam" | A boldfaced lie |
| Multiple-choice exam | A) study or B) not study |
| Going for a smoke | Intro electronics lab |
| A real blast | Intro chem Lab |
| Standard deviation | Watching "Star Trek" while studying |
| Unemployment office | Humanities career placement |
| Near-death experience | Calculator quits during an exam |
| "Go to the other end of Engineering Hall" | "Get lost, buddy!" |
| "Pre-select" | "God-like" |
| A "great" parking spot | Any parking spot |
| Spring Break | Try a larger spring constant! |
Subject : Education Program
We are trying to improve our educational system by this program.
Please read the following letter:
Dear new student,
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from our students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. in a certain course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list: our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students intending to pursue a career in management or consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course is designed to allow students to get hands-on training managing M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
some more,
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a busy day, so Peter had to tell the first one "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?
The first man replies: "Well, for awhile I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into the 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing 25 floors above the ground! By now, I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-- but even after falling 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but ok. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. All the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter and let the man in. The second man approaches and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge, but I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved but he started beating and kicking on me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but ok. Just when I was thinking I was going to be ok, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
This is another one:
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl, but a talking frog is cool!" :)
One more?
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meetthe president of the Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that this was a reasonable request, and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to about $3 million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance??" he asked.
"No" she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think where this little old lady could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet," she stated.
"You bet?" said the bank president. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
That bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances-- there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference-- he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day -- how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that the man was her lawyer and that she always took him along whenever there was this much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be allowed to see for herself. The bank president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 this morning I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." :) There u go!
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